Sunday, March 09, 2008

without

Late last night I go an email from an old friend I haven't really been keeping in touch with (I suck at keeping in touch). He and his wife (who I've only met a few times and don't know well at all) had their baby last Thursday.
He was stillborn at 20 weeks.
And while I was reading this email, Junebug did one of his jab-punch-jab maneuvers.
Which, of course, made me feel bad because my baby is inside his uterus where he belongs, doing normal baby stuff, while Andrea's baby is... not.

Every time I woke up last night (and in all my dreams), there was little Brennan's tiny, perfect face. Just like his dad.
My heart wasn't in it when we sang hallelujah in church this morning. As a matter of fact, I cried so hard I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself. Which only worked very temporarily.
Then I called a mutual friend hoping to talk this over with her and ended up having to tell her what had happened.

I've been chewing on this all day. It's just so wrong. So wrong.
I hate it when I don't have all the answers.
I hate how I just made their loss about me.

4 comments:

Christina LMT said...

Of course you made it about you...how else can you process what happened? Don't be so hard on yourself, and if your faith helps you, more power to you.
I'm very sorry for your friends' loss.

bethany actually said...

Since you're pregnant, of course this hit home more than it probably would have otherwise. I am so sorry to hear about your friends' loss. I'll say a prayer for them tonight, and for you and Junebug, too.

tweetey30 said...

You know when we had Kora our oldest Jeff sister in a law had lost there baby at full term. And we were just putting Kora down to bed when Jeff's brother called us and started telling us what terrible people we were for having a healthy baby when there baby died. He was taking it out on us for there baby dying and ours was living and healthy. Its not easy for friends or family that lose babies like that. Its normal to feel like you are feeling. Hope things get better. Its not easy but I was four month along with Kora when they lost there baby. And now they have an amazing 13 year old and a almost 7 year old daughter.

gracie said...

That is so sad!

Five weeks before I gave birth my friend attended the birth of her other friend and the baby didn't survive the complicated labor. I think the baby had other health issues going on but it was only alive for a couple of hours before leaving them. I cannot even imagine that kind of pain!

I wrestle deeply with these tragedies too.