When I was in middle and high school, I'd ride my bike to school during that fleeting period of not-too-cold-and-not-too-warm weather. Being responsible parents, mine took me out to buy a helmet to wear while riding the bike.
I completely understood why I needed to wear it. I watched the watermelon-without-helmet and watermelon-with-helmet dropped off a bridge comparisons. I chose the helmet myself. I discussed with my parents what I could tell people who'd tease me (My head is worth protecting.).
I hated wearing the helmet.
The strap would tickle my chin. My hair got funny-looking creases. It never felt like it fit (even though we actually had the bike shop fit it to my head, and they knew what they were doing). I hated wearing the helmet. HATED. IT.
So I stared forgetting it. I'd ride off without it, the wind in my hair, exhaling with relief after rounding the corner where I was out of sight and earshot. Then I'd do my best impression of "I cannot believe I FORGOT the helmet again!" when I got home.
I also chained it to my bike with my lock in a way that exposed the inside to rain, hoping for a quick shower to drench the cushions and make it unwearable on the ride home.
(One thing I never did, however, was to start out with the helmet and then take it off after a few minutes. I think it was because I really did understand that it was important.)
(Of course the one time I fell off my bike and hit my head on the pavement (explains a lot, doesn't it?!), I was legitimately not wearing my helmet since I was only riding the bike to the bus stop. It was January and the road was icy, so when I tried to turn onto another street, I fell in the middle of the intersection.)
Subbing is just like wearing that helmet.
I know that I should do it to get exposure, to let the schools find out just how awesome I am so they'll want to hire me. I should do it because it'll help me gain experience. And it comes with a paycheck (not a big one, but far better than none at all).
But I hate it.
I hate subbing. I'm starting to feel like teaching is not something I want to do after all. I'm starting to think that children are evil. I'm starting to think that most teachers are absolute idiots (seriously, who doesn't stock their room with extra pencils and paper, ESPECIALLY when a sub is coming in?), and I'm totally losing faith in institutionalized education.
So I'm forgetting my phone when we go somewhere. I try really hard not to hear it vibrate. I find excuses (no middle school! no upper grade that is usually taught by a guy! no bilingual classes! no minimum days! no job at district A - district B might call later!) of varying degrees of legitimacy. I feel tired/allergic/sick a lot, so I just really can't work. I make doctors appointments (they didn't have a late afternoon opening).
And I feel like crap about it. Guilty, stupid, cowardly, stupid, and guilty.